ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
