get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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