Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
