He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
