I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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