god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
