I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
operation have a gay friend backfired
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
