i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
