i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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