Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
