Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Boobs speak an international language.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
