I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
