I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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