do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sex in a hospital.. check
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
