How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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