woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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