Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
