Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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