You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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