so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
