Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
