You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
