I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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