She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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