You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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