And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
