Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I came so hard my ears popped.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
