Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
