You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
