We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
