i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
