Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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