So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
