is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
