it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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