3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
