Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
