can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
