dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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