Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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