it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
