this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
