if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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