went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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