Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
