There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
