plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
