i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
