How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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