The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
