It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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