Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
