if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
