The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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