god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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